If Florida Man was a triathlete …
Entry into the water would be via a water slide, slip-n-slide, or across the hood of a police car.
Bike and run courses would be more loosely defined allowing for detours through drug stores, car washes, junkyards, and across suburban lawns.
Athletes riding bikes stolen either on race day or the night before would be allowed to draft.
In addition to the more traditional and inspirational t-shirts, there would be branded triathlon shirts with more carefree slogans like “Yeah, I was drafting on the bike the whole time. No, seriously I’m on performance-enhancing drugs right now. Triathlon? I was running from the cops!”
Competitors will be allowed to lob fried chicken at each other while passing on the bike leg.
In addition to water, sports drinks, bananas, and other traditional fare, aid stations would also have beef jerky, shots of tequila, and weird gummy insects that almost no one eats because there is no telling what’s in them.
The new aid station guidelines would, of course, launch lines of “Don’t eat the gummies. I ate the gummies. The gummies ate my PR.” triathlon apparel.
Occasionally one or more aid stations will be situated in or at a taco restaurant drive-thru or a frozen yogurt franchise depending on weather, proximity, and the race director’s level of hunger.
If the water temperature were 78 degrees or lower, triathletes would have the option of wearing a wetsuit, ghillie suit, or cosplaying as a parrot.
Riding a stolen mobility scooter from a department or grocery store on the bike course would be strictly prohibited.
There would be a brief sobriety test before the swim start. Any athlete passing the test would incur a two-minute time penalty.
Swim buoys would be in the shape of fast-food signs with the final turn buoy being either taco or waffle related.
Triathletes would be allowed to take selfies with wildlife encountered on the run course: gators, iguanas, members of 80s cover bands, etc., but said wildlife not be allowed to pace the runner.
Run courses in the shape of an alligator, flamingo, or pelican would be allowed and encouraged. Creative race directors would have the option of basing the run course on a randomly selected athlete’s tattoo.
The final 50 yards before the finish line would feature either ankle-deep mud with tackling allowed, hurdles made from stacked rolls of toilet paper, or a maze of shopping carts some of which would be on fire.
Wikipedia Article Explaining the Flordia Man Meme
USA Today Article: Best Flordia Man Headlines of 2019
