I asked my wife for improvised weightlifting ideas during the lockdown. She duct taped a cinder block to a long handled brush and suggested I paint the back deck.
In retrospect picking 2020 to launch my chain of vegan hotdog huts and eel themed sushi shacks was clearly bad timing. But once we can have cookouts again those custom Jell-O molds are going to make me the talk of the town.
A few weeks into the COVID lockdown it looked like constant access to my refrigerator and lack of access to a barber would make me a prime candidate to work as a stunt double provided someone makes a film called Sumo Sasquatch Detective or a Yeti spaghetti western.
I used to be OK with new math but now that 1918 plus 1929 plus 1968 equals 2020, I demand a refund, a recount, and a reboot. Not necessarily in that order.
I came up with my own dry land swimming workout I hose down my back deck with water and dishwashing soap then pull myself across it hand over hand while chanting “swimming is winning.” Odd coincidence my neighbors put their house on the market.
On the pandemic plus side my phone and my steering wheel have never been cleaner, and I’m thinking about investing in companies that make disinfectant wipes which I now keep tucked into my shirt sleeves like little old ladies do with tissues.
I was looking for a scenic place to run where there wouldn’t be people. I settled on a 5K route around pastures and farm fields. Some of the cows started running alongside me in a relay from fence to fence. Just to be safe, I bought them all masks.
I have been trying to convince my triathlon buddies that my previous race results were not the result of poor training but a pioneering experiment in social distancing at races. So far no one is buying it.
If 2020 were a car it would be the back of a Pinto welded to the front of a Vega with a combination sunroof/guillotine.
I signed up for the virtual race across Tennessee. By day five, the website showed me lost in southern Kentucky. I messaged the race organizers and congratulated them on the accuracy of their software.
The other day I was riding my bike trainer when my cat climbed up on the nearby dresser and headbutted me in the hip. I put the incident in my workout log as a group ride.
I decided to use the pulley system that hangs my canoe in the garage as a makeshift suspension workout system. A friend suggested I add water to the canoe for added resistance. It turns out he meant a five-gallon bottle not fill it up with a hose.
To improve my arm strength, I bought one of those ice cream shaker gadgets. It really works. You can find the details in my new book, How to Gain Weight While Weight Training.
